Ep 34 - Reflecting on This Week's Mass Shootings
Rather than publish our normal episode, we wanted to take a moment to pause, grieve and honor the victims of this past week's mass shootings.
We are all heartbroken, angry, confused, and left feeling helpless...
We hold these emotions with you in this space.
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TRANSCRIPT:
David Gaines: Well, we are recording today, Tuesday, March 23rd and yesterday was a scary day. There was a second mass shooting in the US in the same week. And this one had a little bit closer to home, Mary, just down the street from you in Boulder, Colorado. And I wanted to just pause and ask, how are you doing like?
Mary Allard: I, well, you know, to be honest, like even talking about it, I feel without words. And I think that that's what's been sort of my sentiment in the last week, but especially now and I feel a lot of things, helpless sort of being one of the dominating feelings. Just kind of confused by the fact that there's been this like feeling of joy or relief that's around the corner with the vaccine being out and just the feeling of springtime in general and spring forward. I think that it's brought this like desire for things that are opening up, leaves are coming out, new growth. And the shootings over the last two weeks and the one in my backyard, is just like sobering and it feels like it's suffocated that hopefulness a little bit. And I want to get through back to the hope, but it's really hard for me to even feel like that that's appropriate.
David Gaines: Yeah. Yeah. I know that during all the lockdowns of this past year, I think pretty early on there was this sobering thought that, wow, because we can't go out, we can't go out in mass that this mass shooting pandemic-
Mary Allard: Right.
David Gaines: Had stopped because mass shootings were happening and starting to increase in frequency before the world shut down. So it's like we got a break from that and then to your point, like, we have this hope of the spring and the world opening up and like tomorrow morning I'm scheduled to get my first vaccine. But with the world opening up, it's like damn it, we're back to this place of this other thing that we were able to put it on pause and it's not that it went away, but it's right here.
Mary Allard: I guess I'm also just so sick of or saddened by the familiarity with it. Because, you know, Columbine happened in Colorado when I was, I think I was 11 years old and I feel like that was kind of the mark of like a lot more of this. To me, it feels like the start of a mass shooting era that makes me feel sickened. And I'm just frustrated by the fact that there's any option of normalcy around mass shootings and especially having a son now that's four and I'm going through this whole emotional experience yesterday as it's happening and he can't comprehend. I'm not going to bring him into that conversation at least right now. I don't even know where to begin to be honest. I just feel so lost and devastated and utter disbelief.
David Gaines: Yeah. I mean, here's how normal it began. You and I had a quick 15 minute Zoom meeting yesterday and live, you said, “Hey, Dave, stop. There's a mass shooting happening down the street.” And my reaction was, of course there is like, it wasn't a shock to the system. And how crappy is that?
Mary Allard: Yeah.
David Gaines: Yeah. You and a couple other friends that I know that are in Boulder, you know, mark safe on social media, even that like sucks that that's a thing.
Mary Allard: Right.
David Gaines: Like it's a thing that already existed on Facebook.
Mary Allard: Yeah, I mean the amount of texts going back and forth between people yesterday was really interesting to receive and to extend. I have a few really, really close friends that live across the street, that's their grocery store and you know, that's not an abnormal thing when you have friends and family and have worked in Boulder for 12 years. There's only so many grocery stores to go around, right. So everyone's been there and I actually ran a grocery store down the road from that, and then videos come out and sound bites and they just released, I mean, just right before we started recording, they just released the 10 victims of the shooting. And I'm just going to actually take an opportunity and say their names.
David Gaines: Please.
Mary Allard: Denny Stong, was 20. Neven Stanisi, 23. Rikky Olds, 25. Tralona Bartkowiak, 49. Teri Leiker, 51. Eric Talley, 51. Suzanne Fountain, 59. Kevin Mahoney, 61. Lynn Murray, 62 and Jody Waters, 65. 10 people we should not have lost.
David Gaines: We also wanted to say the names of the victims in the Atlanta shooting. Xiaojie Tan, 49. Daoyou Feng, 44. Delaina Ashley Yaun, 33. Paul Andre Michels, 54. Yong Ae Yue, 63. Hyun Jung Grant, 51. Soon Chung Park, 74. Suncha Kim, 69. And finally Elcias R Hernandez-Ortiz, is 30 years old, survived the shooting, but is in intensive care. For more on the emotions of being an Asian-American, we would highly encourage you to check out our friends podcast, dear White Women, especially today's episode as they also are reflecting and providing, I think very personal commentary on this past weekend’s hate crimes towards Asian-Americans.
Mary Allard: I remember in 2012, there was a shooting in a movie theater in Aurora. And I was terrified. You know, I used to love going to movies. That was like the thing that my dad and I did together. I don't think I went to a movie or inside of a movie theater for years after that. And to feel that same feeling around grocery shopping is making me just nauseous.
David Gaines: Yeah. I mean, it's the most, one of the most normal things that we all do. And, you know the feeling that I'm trying to think about is like, I'm just doing this normal activity and then in a blink of an eye, like it wasn't risky. You know, it's not like even driving has an inherent risk to it, grocery shopping should not. And that it's just, I don't know, it's hard to comprehend. I know for me, like I'm also left with a lot of rhetorical questions. Not that we can even answer them, but you know, I'm just not ready to hear politicians come out and say, well, thoughts and prayers for the family. I'm done with thoughts and prayers. I think so many of us are done with thoughts and prayers. And I want to know when we can actually talk about real gun control and real gun reform, and it's often brought up like, well, it's not after the event, this dishonors, the victims. It's like, but okay, but when, you know, because by the time we forget about it, which this is sad, it'll only be a week before this is no longer in the news, then we're not thinking about gun control anymore. And so then it doesn't get changed or there was a mass shooting in Ohio right before the pandemic last year. And it seemed like bipartisan support for gun change and they got it so far and then still nothing happened, you know with better background checks. Like it wasn't even that massive of a gun reform law that was brought to the table, but it all just fizzled out before it actually did anything.
And then again, like COVID dominated news and so we were onto the next thing. But we're in crisis and we've got to figure out how to deal with legislation around the current crisises and grieve at the same time. I don't know. I feel like I'm talking just out loud and processing out loud, but it's just, I think we're also beyond frustrated about all of it.
Mary Allard: And it's like really hard to even know how to navigate breathing simultaneously with enforcing change. I don't know where to begin quite frankly, but I feel grateful to have a platform to process with everyone and to hold space as best as I can, because I, you know, like what you said, like, yes, people are sick of thoughts and prayers rightfully so. And I'm sitting here feeling like I have no words. And I think that that's a shared thing, but kind of over not having any words as well. I think that that's the difference, like what we talked about just last week, the difference between I'm not racist and anti-racist, it's like, what's the move to a proactive place? And that to me is engaging in these conversations, engaging in voting for, I don't know, engaging in action, basically. That's going to help put this to an end.
David Gaines: And yeah, and now isn't really the time for us to even take that action. It is, we really just wanted to hold the space here to say the names out loud, to acknowledge the Asian community that is also fearful in normal daily activities. And even like our friends, you know, we shared about the Dear White Women podcast and we've formed a friendship with Sasha and Sarah and, you know, I don't know what it's like to walk in their shoes and to be that much more fearful. Like we're talking about, what's the fear of these daily activities, like going to the grocery store? Can you imagine, like, it's also, there's another layer of fear to be Asian and to like go to the grocery store or, you know, it's just, it's beyond comprehension and it really just, quite frankly, it just sucks. I don't know. It just sucks.
Mary Allard: Yeah. I mean, I sort of, I reached out to a community I'm a part of that me, Sasha and Sarah are a part of, and she just immediately wrote back saying she stands with me and that the last week gutted her. And I feel like we're in such a fragile state. I saw a post where it was like one trauma after the next trauma, after the next trauma, after the next trauma. And so just the retraumatization of the experience over the last couple of years reminds me personally to be really gentle with myself in the coming days and especially with others and so I just wish and extend that gentleness onto all of our listeners. And also one thing that has really been helping me as I am repeatedly asking myself what can nourish me in this moment. And I hope that you can ask yourself that too. What do you need right now? And what can nourish you? Especially as we move into the episode that we were planning to publish today. We were planning to talk about highly sensitive people. What's called being HSP and we will still be publishing that at the end of this week because it's a really powerful message and conversation.
But I think that we're all feeling pretty sensitive and this episode that's coming out really relates to that, but that it wasn't appropriate. What was appropriate right now was having this conversation, holding the space and saying their names.
David Gaines: Yeah, today we just needed to have this raw space and hold it. And, you know, I mean, I don't know how to say this in a way, but maybe we can take just a moment here to pause, because I do think while I'm tired of hearing about thoughts and prayers, it doesn't mean that they're not important. And so our thoughts and prayers are with these families in Boulder, with the community of Boulder, our thoughts and prayers are truly with the people, the Asian community and the communities in Atlanta and the families of these victims. And we want to be sensitive too today to the emotions of the day. And you know, and we'll … The episodes great. We'll talk about it more, but leaning into the sensitivity is a gift. Leaning into people who are highly emotional is a gift. And maybe these are the moments that we can lean into those that are more sensitive and more emotionally attuned; they are gifts for moments just like this. So, let’s take a moment.
We will release our normal episode in a couple of days. But one of the things that we try to do with every podcast episode, and I think as an appropriate place for us today is be thinking about those small steps towards change that Mary, that you referred to. So I don't know what these steps are, and I'm sure that every one of us has a different step to take, but I just encourage each one of us to think about what step they can take towards bringing this, the change that we're looking for.
Mary Allard: Yeah. Well, more importantly than ever. Be well.
