Ep 31 - Bringing the Peace of Yoga into the Family with Dee Marie
Over this past year, tensions with many of our relationships have been stretched, and this is especially true within many of our families. Today we invite Dee Marie of Calming Kids to talk about bringing the mindful practices of yoga into the family as a way to strengthen our bonds and to bring peace within ourselves and to others.
https://www.youtube.com/c/CalmingkidsyogaOrg
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TRANSCRIPT:
Mary: We'd love to tell you guys about another amazing podcast The Going Beyond with Randi Zinn. Randy is an author, mother, and entrepreneur who is curious about living a life that is always evolving. This lifestyle podcast covers health, both of the mind and the body, self-care, business and entrepreneurship, and cultural disruption plus topics that we sometimes avoid. Does that sound a little familiar? Well, we think that you would love it because it does feel like an extension of the work that we're doing here on the third place.
This podcast is a space and community for people who are willing to do the hard work of growth. Get connected with their expert interviews, soulful explorations, and deep-dive discussions, with visionaries, survivors, creators, and movement makers. Their stories will move you to cultivate more strength and clarity during every step of your day. Listen now to The Going Beyond podcast with our friend Randi Zinn and get ready to live the empowered life you deserve. You can find them on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or anywhere else you listen to your podcasts and let us know what you think.
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Mary: We welcome you to explore the third place with us.
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David: Well over this last year, we've seen a lot of increased violence in the family, just tension in the family being together for maybe too long. And even now as we look into the spring, I'm reminded that this time, every year, we're all feeling a bit of cabin fever. But now more than ever, we're ready just to get outside and kind of expand and just stretch. But with all that comes some negative as well. We've seen increasing reports of domestic violence and trauma within the family unit where people might normally have outlets with other people to process emotions and tensions. So we found today's guest and we're excited about this topic because we're talking about how to bring the practices of yoga into the family unit, and specifically how to heal how to create peace in the family through yoga practices. Since 1986, Dee Murray has practiced medically-based Ayurveda yoga therapy and earn a master's degree from NYU in therapeutic exercise child and motor development, after being told by doctors that she would never walk again.
After Dee proved these dire forecasts wrong. She spent four years studying the effects of integrating a classical yoga program during school to regulate behavior, increase concentration and teach stress management The mission of her program CALMING KIDS: Creating a Non-violent World is to train children, teens, and adults using a proven curriculum of yoga education. Dee Marie works with all ages and abilities helping individuals find balance in an ever-changing world of challenges and joys.
Mary: Well, welcome Dee Marie, thank you so much for coming to the third place. It's really an honor to have you on the show.
Dee: Thank you so much. It's so great to be here. I love this.
Mary: You know, I have to tell our listeners. So I was first introduced to Dee's work with Ayurveda yoga therapy from my mom. Side note, my mom is like the honorary board of advisors to this podcast. So she's given us some of the best tools and insights and connections that any mom as a super fan would. So, I'm grateful for this connection especially and, you know, I wanted to start with can you tell us a little bit about your work and why you do it?
Dee: How far back do you want me to go?
Mary: You know, I'd love to hear if there was a pivotal moment in your life prior to this work?
Dee: Well, there's a couple of, you know, huge pivotal moments. And, the first pivotal moment was when I was a young adult, and I was dancing professionally in New York City. And, it was a big snowy night, and I went to get in a taxi cab. And all you guys who have ever been to New York you know, you can think of how many cabs and how much traffic there is. And taxis typically don't really pull over, they sort of just kind of halfway pull over and stop. And I went to get into the taxi cab and I was halfway in and it got rear-ended by a truck. And as a result of I was told that, yeah, I would never walk again. I would never dance again.
And, so there was this, you know, moment in my life of like, whoa, I've trained all my life for this. I was at the height of my career, what am I going to do? And that overwhelming emotions. I mean, think about the emotions that come up, anger, sadness, frustration, depression, all these things. And not clinical depression, just this heaviness of life, you know, slamming down on you, what do I do now? And so, being a dancer, yoga was always something we studied, but we studied it from a slow, more physical plane. It's slower dance. And, it's something that complements to give you the body awareness to dance well.
So I had studied yoga since I was about 10 years old. My mom turned me on to my first yoga class. And so, moving along and teaching I got a master's and child and motor development specifically for the motor development piece at that time. And I studied many, many different techniques, many healing techniques, I did many healing techniques for myself, and all different kinds of exercise therapy. And, after doing all of those things, I landed on yoga, because yoga has the mind, emotions, and physical body, and breathing body, it has all these bodies. And in yoga, we call that the cautious, our veils, our bodies, we have these different bodies of our being.
And, I couldn't go in the way we think of as a yoga or exercise class at the beginning, I couldn't go that way. So I had to go in through the mind first. And I went more to the higher levels of yoga and then came back to the physical body once I could move and dance and roller skate. I ski. I do everything. And I love the idea of proving the doctors wrong. And not necessarily listening to what others say, is our forecast in life.
Mary: One of the things that you said I had never heard yoga called a slower dance before. And, I think that that's just so beautiful, because it brings the image of just that and that it is, it's a dance. And, that it seems that the only way to get to this depth of yoga work that you do now is really that you started from that mental sort of headspace to get down and I wanted to have you expand on that a little bit?
David: Yeah, I love that. Just because when I think of yoga, and not that I … I feel like it's a practice that I want to learn about, right? It's not that I'm a daily practitioner, but the mind route, I never thought about separating those two as access points. But it makes so much sense to me that you out of necessity needed to access it through the mind first. I have a lot of questions around that. I think that there's something really beautiful about saying it in that way because it is this realization that yoga is a practice that embodies both the mind and body.
Dee: Well, yeah, I mean that's a big thing. And that brings us to the idea of Ayurveda. And, as a yoga therapist, we work with the sister science to yoga, which is our Ayurveda. And we think of yoga as a spiritual technique. Yoga, and how I can phrase it in the schools because I work a lot in school is that yoga is a system of transformation and evolving our habitual patterning to a better place. Evolving ourselves to a higher level of being here on this planet, in compassion and collaboration with ourselves and others. Finding that inner kindness and working with ourselves to get there is what yoga is about aka a spiritual technique.
And, Ayurveda is the science or the health system that parallels with yoga that looks at our lifestyle behaviors, our lifestyle choices, meaning our diet, our patterns of how we take care of ourselves on a daily basis, our nurturing techniques. Are they all in line with helping us to get to this higher place? And so, there's so much to the yoga system. And yoga therapy is a very different thing than the yoga mat and the exercise that people think of. Also, people think of yoga as oh, that's a healthy thing. And it is healthy. But again, the science of health and yoga is Ayurveda.
Mary: Okay, that's interesting. Even though I do practice physical yoga, right, going to my mat and doing the movement of it, I would love to learn about more of the context that sort of is beyond the mat with yoga therapy. If you can give a little bit of insight into what some of those practices look like in conjunction or in sisterhood with Ayurveda as well.
Dee: Well, yeah, let's go back to this word I used before the sort of veil of ourselves this layer of ourselves or body of being. In the yoga system, we have five bodies of being. And we have the physical body, which is the largest, the grossest, meaning largest body that we need to take care of. Because you all know, when we have a pain in our neck or a pain in our back, we are kind of grouchy. When we have uncomfort in our abdomen, sometimes we just can't focus because all we can think about is our abdominal. Like after Thanksgiving, when we're so full, it's like the only focus you have is your abdomen. So, when we're so focused on these physical sensations, we can't sort of move beyond.
And so in yoga class, we do the exercises to take away some of that outer or that physical power that creates so much focus of our attention. And then, as you know, in yoga class, we work on our breathing and relaxation. So we work on what's called that energetic body approaching the prana body, the prana means the life force energy. So the next layer of our being is this prana, or energy, which encompasses our breathing. And how we breathe, affects everything as well, the quality of our breath, the consistency of our breath, and our emotions affect our breath, and our breath affects our emotions. So the best way to think about it is, you know when you cry, it's like [crying sound].
Mary: That's so perfect. And even or even through the listening, you know exactly what Dee is explaining.
Dee: You know that breath it’s the only time I can think of when your breath just gets off. But it happens when you almost get in a car accident, we often start to go into this chest, breathing this anxious breath, and we have to, you know, say, okay, calm down. And, there's this, you know, huge buzzword now, which is take a deep breath, and that sometimes work and sometimes doesn't. And especially working with children and teens, that's not your best cue, take a deep breath. It often goes up into the neck and shoulders, until someone understands how to breathe deeply, which is why I work with this work in the schools.
But to finish with what we're saying is that the next layer is this emotional body, and I just explained how, when you're physically uncomfortable, it affects your emotions. You get angry, back pain, right? When we are in an emotional state, it affects our breathing. So these are all parts of ourselves and they interweave like a beautiful pattern of silk they weave together. And the emotional body has to be looked at as well and how the emotions affect the other two bodies and how the other two bodies affect the emotions.
Then we go into what's called the wisdom body or the wisdom sheath of existence. What I'm explaining right now are called the cautious. The cautious, the veils of existence, the shields of ourselves. And the wisdom body is that sixth sense that ability to say, oh, ha, I know what to do. I am under conflict. I know what to do. I am under attack I know what to do or I'm not sure what to do. But maybe I can contemplate it for a few minutes and have that aha moment. So that wisdom body has to be somewhat strengthened. Some intuit you know, they can just channel and have that intuitive sense or, you know, can predict the future, but in a way we all can we just have to strengthen that part of our brain, that prefrontal cortex of the brain.
And then when we balance all these bodies, we then feel more happy and joyful. And that doesn't mean it's a constant state. But it means that the kind of what we say in yoga, the muck of life, the intensity or the swamp of life that comes up and down, like we've just been dealing with over the last year, when the swamp rises, can we still find joy and happiness? Or do we sink into the muck? And there's been a lot of that going on over the last year, because of not understanding how to come into balance with all these parts of ourselves, and create acceptance.
David: Right. And I think that's what it feels like to me is that to kind of go through these different areas, there's this individual version of that, to see our breath, to see how crazy our breath is. And I think I have so many questions right now about this muck because it's much more of this collective. Like, I feel like the whole world right now is going, you know, and it's crazy with breath. So, how do we deal with this on this bigger, collective way? Like, how do we calm ourselves? Because it's in this state of uncalm, I think that that we're seeing heightened states of aggression. We're seeing people empowered, and there's this like, bottled up tension that's showing up in ways like the insurrection, you know? So really, how do we take all these collective individual pieces and apply them in this big, social nonviolent way, as an entire society?
Dee: Well, in the yoga system, we would say, meditate. The peace begins with you. We have to go back to, you know, in yoga Asana, we say, go back to your mat. In more from the meditative standpoint, go back to your cushion, sit and find the peace within yourself. And as you're meditating and finding that peace within yourself, it actually if we could get everyone to meditate, it creates a wave into the universe that can create this wave of peace on a global scale, ideally. But the system of Ayurveda can help with a little bit what you just said, David, about the, I love it, muck we're talking about the muck.
Ayurveda brings to us the concept of there are these elements, these five elements in nature, that are all around us. And these five elements in nature are within us. And these elements are ether, air, fire, water, and earth. And when these elements get out of balance, is when we get out of balance, or when we get off with these elements. So, we think of the air as stress, okay? Think of the fall day, when the wind is blowing, and the trees are blowing. And the leaves are scattering all over the place. And they're falling down. And that feeling when you're in the wind is like, wow, it's really windy. And everybody has that wow, windy. Well, it's been windy, not only through the pandemic, but a lot of social struggles and political climate, there's been so much wind, so much wind. So you've got the wind thing going on.
Then, on the flip side, let's go to talk about the earth. Now the earth element is this idea if we think about the earth. And the earth turns, but it turns really slowly, right, it turns out, it's got to turn but it turns slow. Well, all of us have been asked to stay home, not be out there, not being windy or fiery, or just not moving to stay home and sit in front of a computer, even our children. And, what can happen with that earth quality which is slower, is it kind of can stop easily. It's moving so slow, it stops. So you put everybody in front of a computer or at home and everybody feels kind of trapped and it gets stuck. And as the earth gets that stuckness with that element of ourselves again, go back to the idea these are just elemental qualities, then the kind of aggression the depression aggression can come out.
And the fire is the idea that you know, we love to do things our passion. We want to connect with people. We want to do things. We want to get out. We want to have fun, fun, joy. We want to shine bright in our lives, and we're not able to do that. So we're sort of squelched and squelching a fire, stopping the earth, feeling too much wind, it's really elementally throwing us off balance. That if you understand it, or have these systems in place, you can transcend to come into balance and find the joy. And that's why I teach in the schools. Because I do still teach adults, I teach seniors. I teach all ages. I teach special needs people. But I teach in the schools, because my feeling is if a child could learn this, from an early age, and grow up with reading, writing, and breathing, you know, math and mindfulness, science and self-regulation what a better world it would be.
Mary: Yeah, you so beautifully put the story to the out-of-whack feeling that all of us are collectively experiencing, right? I see this wind energy and it's like it's happening all around us. And there's no way to sort of ride the wind in a positive way. And instead, because of that sort of pent up trapped feeling, the fire is surfacing. There are no positive or productive releases of joy as frequently by not being able to gather or do the activities or go to the community-centered or places that we used to, that it feels like… What I love about the understanding that I have elements is that that means that the wind is just igniting the fire, it's moving that fire. So anytime we're expressing the fire in an unproductive way we're just adding fuel to it. Right?
And one of the reasons why we were so passionate about bringing you on to the podcast is your work in you know, creating a non-violent world. And that there's been so much in this last year. I think that we've heard that there have been some of the greatest rates of physical abuse happening in the home, greater conflict interpersonally and I think also, probably with ourselves, right? And so there's just this texture of tension and aggression right now. And you're an elected SAVE representative, right. And I think that this is an extension of your desire to create a non-violent world. Can you please expand on what it is being a S.A.V.E representative and how that plays a role in this work, especially now?
Dee: Sure, thank you. Yeah, S.A.V.E stands for Stop America's Violence Everywhere. It's a term under the American Medical Association. And what happened is due to my work as a yoga therapist, and then initially before I started working in the schools, I start I was working in health clinics, I was working with doctors, doctors, chiropractors orthopedists, you know, massage therapists. That was the platform of my delivery of this information. And so as a result, I was part of the AMA Alliance, the AMA Alliance is a division that means you're in the medical field, you support the medical field, but you're not necessarily an MD.
And through the AMA Alliance, I was at a conference in Denver, and it was in 2004. And they were discussing the Columbine incident or the Columbine shooting. And, they said, according to statistics, and AMA research, violence is on the rise. And violence is on the rise in schools. And, we're worried. And it was like, I got to tell you, I don't mean to laugh. I'm not laughing at the violence. I'm laughing at what happened to me. You guys know that concept of Cinderella? When your fairy godmother comes in, pops her on the forehead with her little you know, wand and she suddenly changes into a beautiful gown. I felt that way. I was sitting there and I just got this huge rush. And like my whole body just went whoa, whoa, I know what I can do. I can teach Ahimsa in the schools. And Ahimsa means non-violence to self and others. Ahimsa is the first vow that we take to even practice yoga.
And of course, we don't talk about that in yoga class, but it's part of it, Ahimsa that we do not hurt ourselves. We don't push so hard on our yoga practice on our mat that we hurt ourselves. But it means non-violence to self and others. So I thought, oh, this will be easy. I'll just teach this in the schools. Well, it's been an interesting journey. And, I can't say it's been easy, but it's been so rewarding. And, we did four years of research with the Harvard School of Public Health, to prove that we could get these behavioral changes, we could help with the aggression, and also increased concentration and focus. So that's when we launched this program.
And as a result, to get around to your question, that's when the AMA awarded me the title of S.A.V.E representative for the state of Colorado, back in 2007, 2006. And even to this day, I am still the S.A.V.E representative, as well as state ambassador for the AMA Alliance. So what that means is that we are constantly looking for programming to teach piece to help people to learn to self-regulate, no matter you know, what age and what ability. I work a lot with special needs, and special populations, because they can get very frustrated as well. And if we could have everybody just learn a little bit this in the classroom, maybe we wouldn't have so much of the idea that, oh, I think the best way to deal with this situation is to riot.
David: Yeah, I hear so many kinds of, I don't know, life truths and so much of that. One, anything that's worth doing is never easy. It's always hard. So you know, it should be easy. But the reality is, it takes work. And then I love what you just said too like, if we all could just take one step, you know, forward, then we think of all the changes that we could do. And so there's this idea that that first step is the hardest, and it's also just a small step is okay, to get things started. Do you have any specific stories where you've seen someone really kind of have an aha moment or like a class, take this on and really see embodying these principles make a dramatic difference in their path?
Dee: I think one of the cutest stories I ever got was this young gentleman. We talk about, you know, communication, where I teach non-violent communication. It’s a piece of it. That's why I say when you work with the other levels of yoga when you're actually working with scenarios of talking and communicating that's yoga too. And I always explain in the schools, you know, we're still doing yoga right now. And so working with nonviolent communication. So, this young man, and I want to say oh boy, young, maybe third or fourth grade, we're talking young. You know, I always ask them to try to apply these things at home and come back and tell me. Teach your family members what you're learning. It's the only way to have it start to trickle out. And this boy came back and he said, “Oh, yeah,” he said, “This weekend, my grandma, she was yelling at me, and she's yelling at me. And she's yelling, and he goes, and I thought about it. And he said, “No, it wasn't me.” And he said, “Grandma, take three deep breaths, and then talk to me.”
Mary: Wow.
Dee: And she did. And the grandmother through my teaching and it’s the mouth of this babe got the grandmother to go, “You’re right. You're right. I'm angry because of this. And I'm taking it out on you.” But I had to train the kids. I train kids on having that discernment that goes back to that prefrontal cortex, the front lobe of your brain, which is our reasoning brain, our making good choices as well, understanding that part of our brain does not get developed to work 25 years old. Which is why we know how teenagers can do the craziest things and they just don't even think it's like, how could they do that? It's because they don't have that strong brain completely developed. But we can help develop that prefrontal cortex or aka third eye, the third eye through education and meditation.
Mary: I'm having like a shift of perspective where instead of thinking as that third eye as something that is undeveloped, even though that is obviously the case, but that there's a malleability to it that means that there's receptivity in there. And that the time that you're catching these children at the time that they are forming, it could be far more powerful than obviously, once it's in this rigid state or set in stone state. There's just seems like I'm feeling so much potential and preventative ness and the work that you do.
Dee: Yeah, well, that's the idea is the preventative work. But as we do know, you said the right word, the mallei- what?
Mary: Malleability.
Dee: Malleability that our brain is malleable, and it's constantly changing. And even as we're adults, we can strengthen these portions. And because this particular discussion was about families, specifically, and helping in the family, I really contemplated this question of how do we really help the family. And I have to say that in this last year, even within my own extended family, there's been all kinds of interesting dynamics, depending on again, the social climate and what's been happening in the news. And there's just so much conversation, that doesn't always sound pretty.
And, one thing that I really found to be the best way to work with the family, whether you just have a bubbling child at home, that's going stir crazy, or whatever it is, is to find a family activity that everybody really likes to do. And that activity can just really help because it gets everybody out of sort of that kind of left-brain of I'm right, you're wrong kind of critical thinking and into just the joy of being connected as a family. And it can look as simple as you know, doing an art project. I know one of the things my whole family did and were all over the world, we all gone online and did a Zoom call. And we cooked together. And we made one of our family traditional meals that my family has passed down, and everybody was online. And there were people in my family extended family who didn't even talk to each other anymore. Mother and son who were not even talking to each other. And yet, they were able to get online and cook. And we laughed, and we had joy together. So, that's really one of the best ways that I could figure out how to express besides going back to your own meditation, to be able to handle all the differences of opinions, and so that you don't get angry at your kids. The peace begins with you.
Mary: Yeah, so this last year, my husband and I, to give some context, I was working 60/70 hour weeks, and then I made a big shift out of that industry a bit. And so then I became at home having more time, right? And my husband always worked out of the home and then now has been home still his home. We don't have an office so we're constantly doing a dance in the house as to where, if I get a bedroom, or he gets a kitchen, and I'm in the basement, you know, it's like this dance. So our structure like the way that we've lived our home life over a decade has changed so dramatically that that on top of all of these very existential questions happening on the news and in our communities are igniting conversations that can make more opportunity for disparity than I ever realized. Just more opportunity to either agree or disagree consistently plus more face time, more physical time, in the same environment.
And so I love what you just mentioned because I didn't even know that we have been doing this, but we started to play a board game, you know, once or twice a week with our toddler. And that's been like the most connective time that we've had. And I didn't realize this until you said it but it's just a feeling of peace and joy. And it's as simple as that. So I love the way that you brought that up that it doesn't have to be this grandiose thing that it can be you're just trying on something for size and doing it together.
Dee: Well, it's the idea of finding neutral ground. You found a neutral ground where there are no outer environmental stimulants that are affecting you in that way moment. That moment is about the focus of this moment. And it's a wonderful moment right here right now. And finding that lovely connection and joy within your family unit.
Mary: Yeah, that neutrality, that sort of just coming together and having a moment where nothing else is distracting is, you know, an act of presence and an act of yoga. From what we've clearly discussed it's all yoga. And I so appreciate that awareness that you've brought to something that is so profound yet so simple at the same time.
Dee: Keep it simple. And, you know, mindfulness, it's all part of the new wave of how we're thinking, How can I be more mindful of these ideas? What can I do? Ultimately, we're looking for our joy. We looking for that deep compassion and love for ourselves and others. And, in order to get there, we have to have patience with those we disagree with. We have to have patience with ourselves, and we have to find that neutral ground.
David: Where can people continue to press in and learn more about your work and be connected?
Dee: Thank you. Yeah, well, although I work with adults, I have put so much into the nonprofit that you only place I send people now is CalmingKids.org. And, on that website, we have videos for families to view as well as for the schools. We have a ton of support materials, books, and posters that we've created for the school classroom and for parents to use at home with their families and kids. One of our favorite books is ‘Finding Calm in a Moment, which is a meditation and movement book for all ages. So you can go to the website and read more about that. But in two weeks, on March 6th, I have a Ayurveda training, just a couple of hours on a Saturday, March 6th, and it would be great to have you guys come. I'd love for you guys to join. And, it's just learning more about how to balance within ourselves and to cope with all of the outer imbalances.
Mary: Yeah, all of that external wind, right? Dee I just think that you are so living your sole purpose. I loved the visual of the Cinderella because you know, I think if only we were all blessed with that moment to find our purpose and our path. And that through, you know, what a terrible accident you went through and the shift that you've made so much powerful work out of it. I am grateful to have had you on the podcast. And I know that like I said, my mom's going to be probably sharing it with 1000 people as well.
Dee: Oh that’s great. Thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure to be here. It's great.
Mary: Well, thank you, Dee.
Dee: Thank you. Thanks so much.
Mary: Be well.
