Grieving 2020…
Say it with me now… 2020 has been intense! And also, let’s be honest, a new year doesn't necessarily mean a new book. A new chapter, however? That is more realistic. That is NOT to say that the new year can’t be an opportunity to reset, but it is not some magical pill that erases the past just to start anew. If anything, it’s a chance for us to reflect back on and ceremonialize the last year. And now, more than ever, we could use some reflection.
As David and I took a moment to look back, one word kept coming up... GRIEF. So today and for many days, we grieve all that came of 2020. For me, I grieve the loss of my father, of lost work, of time with my friends and family without overthinking or extra safety measures, and of my expectations that 2020 would be dramatically less challenging than what I thought of 2019. Clearly, that wasn’t the case.
In my own work with grief during this time, I have discovered that grief is exposing. Over the last year, grief has exposed innumerable opportunities for growth for me individually and collectively as a society. What accompanies the painful yet necessary exposure is a choice to either give space to the pain or reject it. From my experience, when I reject pain it just manifests itself in much more toxic or longer lasting ways like indulgence in old patterns and coping mechanisms. So I am choosing to allow myself to instead give space to my grief.
What does it look like to give space to grief? For me, it looks like creative expression. Grief is an uncomfortable topic and can easily overwhelm a relationship. So while I know that grief is with me, and it is not linear, not something I am going to accomplish and get through, then I need to be able to work with grief without infusing it into every relationship or conversation. This has given me clarity knowing that grief will show itself (oftentimes when I least expect it) and that I can still meet it face on, without having to process it with someone else. Instead, the experience can be intimate and productive through other creative means. Because of this, I have decided to reintroduce two ways for me to converse with my grief - journaling and piano. Both have been quite humbling, because my hands are much more attuned to typing and texting these days sadly… LOL, but that’s besides the point. The point being however, that in my grief, creativity has made its way back into my life and with that, an old, familiar sense of meaning I have so desperately missed.
So like I said, 2020 was intense. 2021 doesn’t change the intensity of 2020, but it does remind us that it is important to reflect and to grieve. And what has comforted me most of this year is knowing that we have all been grieving in our own way, one way or another, but grieving despite. Grieving together.
